I’ve been dating since I was 15, and like Charlotte from Sex in the City, my feeling is often “I’m exhausted, where is he?” I’ve been online dating on and off for 7 years. During this time, I’ve tried three different sites, Jdate (because I’m Jewish), Match.com because it has more variety, and okcupid, which is free, but freaky. I’ve been approached by bi-sexual couples, 22 year old men (I’m 36), 43 year old newly separated men, and most recently a 53 year old who lied about his age. I take everything in stride, and am often entertained by my online dating experiences. I’d like to share more about my most recent experience with a 53 year old. Let’s call him Rick. Rick contacted me online, and we began to message back and forth over email. We made plans to hang out one evening, and as we were confirming plans, Rick said something strange. He asked if he should meet me at the restaurant, or if he should send a driver to pick me up.

If we were living in London, that might not be out of the ordinary. This is Liverpool, and I’ve never had this offer before. I’m pretty sure even Carrie Bradshaw found her way to a venue on a first date. That was my first clue that this guy might be a little different. I received an email from Rick the night before our date. He said that he wanted to be upfront that he lied in his profile and that his true age was not 47 but 53. He understood if I wanted to cancel, but he hoped that I wouldn’t. Here was his reasoning: “____is the online equivalent of a bar filled with thousands of people all jockeying for attention. Most women in their thirties won’t cast a second glance at a guy who is older than 49. If you set your search filters for guys in their forties, my profile won’t show up at all. “I understand that you want to be with somebody who is strong and youthful and in good health. I’m in better physical shape than most men in their forties. My vital signs are those of a man ten years my junior. I don’t have one ounce of fat on me. I can swim 50 meters butterfly in 40 seconds. I can run a 10K at a decent clip. I love to hike and ski and play tennis and scuba dive. I have a wonderful PCP who I’ve been seeing for the past 15 years, and he gives me a complete physical every year.”

His doctor also gave him the green light to have children. I wonder how he did that. I canceled my date with Rick and gave him some strong words about lying about his age in his profile, and that I wasn’t interested in dating someone who is 17 years older than I am. He does sound like one healthy guy though. Not an ounce of body fat on him? I have plenty of body fat for the two of us. Rick seemed to take it well, and wished the best for me. That is until he sent me another message asking me to reconsider. Here is some of what he said: Please interpret what comes next in a spirit of genuine concern about your welfare. All you know about me is that I’m a guy who lies about his age on ___, but I believe you’re being naive about the real world of online dating. When you were at ___party last week, how many single women like yourself did you meet? I know a few of them. I’ve dated a few of them. They’re all on ____and they all lie about their age by at least three years. But that’s not my point. You should be concerned about something much more serious.

Half the guys you will meet online are still married and just fooling around. That’s what guys do. They put “Boston” in their profile, but they really live in San Jose or New Jersey and commute to Boston every week .The business world is filled with guys like that, and they love to brag about their latest “score”. It’s no different than walking into a bar where half the guys have slipped off their wedding bands. Or, you’ll meet guys who put “divorced” in their profile but they’re really just separated and have three more years of divorce proceedings ahead of them. But, in the meantime, they want to have fun. You’re in your mid-thirties which means you’re dating guys in their mid-forties. So who’s really out there? First, there are those guys who are obviously cheating. (Shocking!) Second, there are guys who have been dating for twenty years but have never been married. (Hmmm…) Third, there are widowers. (If you find one, don’t think twice, just grab him.) Fourth, there are guys recently dumped by wives who have had enough. (That was me) And, finally, there are guys just out of divorce court who are now trying to raise a couple of elementary-school age kids. (Do you really want to be stepmom to a 10-year-old and a 12-year-old?) I’m honest, I’m available, and I’m the real deal. I have no secrets. My kids are grown and independent. There are not many guys like me online. There are not many women like you, either. I could tell that right away. So, please, don’t reply to this letter. Please just click “archive” rather than “delete”. Six months from now, dig up this letter and think about what I’ve written. Well, there you have it. I did respond to Rick, I thanked him for his concern for my welfare, and told him that I’m perfectly competent to look out for myself. I Google the crap out of every guy I meet online. I’m also very aware of what is out there in the dating world. After 7 years, I have not been deceived by anyone but Rick. I happened to notice that he moved his age back by a year. Maybe his strategy will work and he’ll be impregnating a 30 something year old woman within the next year? It won’t be me. I don’t date liars, and I’m confident that the right guy is out there for me somewhere.